Monday, July 1, 2013

Four Weeks

Moving upward and onward.  It's true :)

Every night my head hits my pillow, I remember the past 4 to 11 months.  I remember laying there during recovery and I remember the direction we're headed.  I feel grateful, I feel humbled, I feel prayerful, and I feel emotion.  Time is so many things to us, and it can also be a friend.  Time is filled with memories.  As time passes, it takes our present friend and travels her into the past.  And though good, its painful too.  I never want to forget this time, this experience, the stopping, the questioning, the thinking, the crying, the wondering, the laughing, the outpour of love, the learning and learning and learning :).  I want to hold onto and never let go of the time with those dearest to me, time with Tim, my  mother, my dad, my sisters, my brothers, my aunts, my cousins, my friends.

Benni said I would experience the phases of loss and grief at different times, that they might reoccur, and that it was okay.  As crazy as it may seem, part of that experience is losing this experience of loss.  No, I haven't completely lost it (now I sound crazy ;)) but the time is passing, and I am moving forward.  Though difficult to explain, part of moving forward is tough because it is truly letting go, accepting what happened, realizing it is okay if I don't learn or remember everything I needed to know, accepting myself again and again, and then looking to the future.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, no, truly my situation has been the best it could be, I'm in awe at how fortunate and blessed I am.  Saying that, I still feel the need to acknowledge that the tears are okay, even though I don't always understand them, that though I'm grateful to have such a good life, I miss it, her, them, then.  So much was happening deep inside me, so much still is.

But again, deep breath in, hold, now out.
Because of Him and all of you, we're moving onward and upward :)


Maren B said...

It must feel crazy sometimes to have so many emotions and changes. Someday I would like to hear you give a speech on everything you have learned.

Lena said...

Beckychka! You are amazing as always. Your words sound like a poem, a deep one. I hope you'll get better soon and will be able to come to St.Petersburg and visit me ;)
Love you so much!